what a week

I've had so many thoughts and feelings this week that I feel it must've been a month already. Time is so relative.

I've had  fun. I went sledding with two cute little girls in Hancock last weekend, the first time I've been sledding in a few years. I had some good laughs at a few bars. I was reminded of how much I love Mulan. I ate delicious Indian buffet and got some feel-good clothes at the Salvation Army. I'm also getting closer to the other AmeriCorps volunteer, Erin, by taking winter hikes or talking about what seeds we want to order and what kind of gardens we want to grow. I'm especially excited about an herb garden - I've always wanted to grow and make my own tea and medicate myself with herbs.

I sat with a dead body. A lot of people who believe in Anthroposophy have a vigil for their dead family member, where for the entirety of three days, someone has to sit with the corpse to help release the spirit. You can sing, read, think positive thoughts, play music, just as long as you are with the person. Our Eurythmist's mom died and many co-workers and some volunteers volunteered to take 2-3 hour night shifts to help the family out (they are Russian immigrants and not many of them live here). Erin and I woke up at 3am to drive there and experience the small lit candles, the inscense, the Steiner books, and the real, lifeless body, covered in dyed silk veils, that lay in an open casket in front of us. It made me think of how I want to go - I had always assumed cremation, with my ashes scattered on some meaningful piece of land, but this vigil made a good impression on me. It was a good experience.

I cried from built-up frustration at the volunteer meeting we have every week with the boss. I've been having a rough time with one of the residents in my house who has severe emotional damage (from his poor upbringing) and a low IQ. He always makes public phone calls (on speaker phone, wandering around the house) cursing and saying (and hearing) awful things. When I tried to ask him to make phone calls in his room, he blew up on me, threatened me, etc. Very simple requests, if they're anything that would make him change his ways, are 98% of the time understood by him as attacks, and he will do anything to try to put himself above you. He targets the fact that I'm only a volunteer, only a female, and therefore I know nothing. A few days later him and another resident in the house had a real verbal (and nearly physical) fight. The man he was insulting was black, and you can imagine the direction he took his attacks. This resident is such a challenge for me to even tolerate, it's such a different type of resident who for me requires much more patience and will-power that I don't have in the moment. I'm not trying to hang out with him to establish a closer relationship with him because any time I'm off or don't have to see him, I don't want to. I can't feel very at home when I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to try to prevent another illogical blow-up, feeling like my body is trapping what I actually think so I can spit out what I am told to say. I could go on for so long...the point is, I'm struggling with that.

Oh, Spring, come a little sooner this year, ok?